


Of Alcohol and Bad Choices

by Melime



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: 100 Days Science Boyfriends Challenge, Abusive Relationship, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol-Induced Amnesia, Angst, Attempted Rape, Cheating, Drunkenness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape/Non-con References, Science Boyfriends, Songfic, Suicide Attempt, alcoholic!Tony, violent!Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-22
Updated: 2013-09-22
Packaged: 2017-11-14 19:15:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 13,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/518620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony drinks too much, but sees no problem with that. Bruce doesn't know what to do until it's too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Of alcohol and revelation

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Of Alcohol and Bad Choices](https://archiveofourown.org/works/518618) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf). 



> First I thought I'd write a songfic (which is now Chapter 16), then I thought about doing a 5+1 prequel, this was the result. Obviously I can't write 5+1.  
> Written for the Prompt 6 of the 100 Days Challenge Science Boyfriends: Tony drinks too much. Bruce worries about him.

The first time happened while they were just friends.

 

He was working late, as he did frequently. Tony had built that lab especially for him, displacing an entire department to open space. Of course, Bruce did everything to not accept the gift, even said that he would soon leave. But as Tony built it in secret and took only two days to get everything ready, there wasn’t much he could do. Secretly, he was glad to have a place where he could fit in so well.

 

Everything was perfect, but he should have suspected that nothing good in his life lasts long.

 

He was about to retire to his room when he saw Tony lying on the ground. He ran to help, struggling to hold the Other Guy, looking for any source of danger. But it was clear that there was no enemy, he could smell the whiskey for several meters. Tony had just drank until he passed out.

 

"Tony, are you okay?" he asked without expecting an answer.

 

"Brucy!" Tony yelled looking at him, though it is obvious that his eyes were out of focus.

 

"Come, I'll take you to bed." he said lifting the other man's body, which wasn’t so easy with Tony throwing himself on the floor.

 

"Not that I have anything against it, but I usually demand a dinner before." he said, extremely coherent for someone in his state.

 

Bruce blushed lightly, and was about to answer when Tony pulled him into an awkward kiss tasting like vomit. He pulled away instantly, taking care not to drop Tony.

 

"You are going to your bed to sleep. Alone."

 

Unable to lift his head to kiss him again, because the world was spinning too much, Tony began to move his hands between Bruce’s legs and then grabbed his crotch over his jeans. The shock was so great that Bruce dropped him on the floor.

 

"Wouldn’t you rather go to my room? I have a bed there. Not that I have anything against the floor..."

 

Bruce rolled his eyes.

 

"If you don’t behave, I'll let you sleep on the floor."

 

After that, he lifted him again, and managed to carry him to his room almost unmolested. He tossed him on the bed without much care, but turned his head to ensure that he wouldn’t drown in his own vomit.


	2. Of alcohol and embarrassment

He knew all too well the effects of alcohol abuse, and began to worry about Tony. He feared that this type of drinking wasn’t unusual for him, but didn’t know to who he might ask. The next day, however, he pretended that nothing had happened. He didn’t know how to approach the subject after what had happened between the two.

 

When Tony came in the afternoon and waved at him, he waved back. In the future, he would regret for not having done anything while the problem wasn’t so great. But at that moment, he just wanted to forget the previous night.

 

That was the first time he had to forgive Tony for what he had done while he was completely intoxicated.

 

If he had asked, he would know that Tony had just found out about all the weapons his company sent to the army and that they were used against the Hulk. The weight of that knowledge was more than he could withstand. But Bruce didn’t ask.


	3. Of alcohol and desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: contains an attempted rape.

The second time happened soon after they started... Dating didn’t seem the right word.

 

Just a few weeks before, they had kissed (both being sober) for the first time. Bruce was the one who wanted things to go slowly, both because his last relationship was long ago and because he feared that the acceleration of the heartbeat would make him transform. But it was Tony who insisted that they sleep together. Just sleep, which, coming from Tony, was a very strange proposal. Since then, he slept in Tony’s room, even when he wasn’t there.

 

That was one of those nights. Tony had gone to a charity dinner, and hadn’t returned. Tired of waiting, Bruce fell asleep.

 

He woke up with Tony's hands sliding into his pants.

 

"Tony!" he shouted pushing him.

 

He smelled like alcohol again, and his hands trembled. He could barely stand on the bed, he was completely drunk.

 

"Hi, Brucy. Happy to see me?" he asked before starting to give not so gentle bites on his neck.

 

He used his weight to press him against the bed. Being in a position of disadvantage, it was difficult for Bruce to fight against the unwanted contact.

 

"Tony, stop." he almost cried in despair, because he felt the Other Guy starting to react to what he believed to be a threat.

 

Using one leg as a lever, he pushed Tony's body away. He got up from the bed, but was pursued. He managed to reach the bathroom and lock the door.

 

"Brucy!" Tony shouted across the door while punching it strongly.

 

He embraced his body and concentrated on his breath, struggling to keep the Other Guy under control. He couldn’t even believe what Tony had just done. He wanted to leave that very night and never return, but it was too difficult to give up the perfect companion that Tony was when he was sober.


	4. Of alcohol and shame

He couldn’t sleep all night. He waited a couple of hours after Tony stopped trying to break down the door before leaving the bathroom. He went to the lab and was working in complete silence, struggling not to think about what had happened.

 

He felt ashamed, above everything. Unintentionally, he began to blame himself. He was the one denying Tony what he obviously wanted. If he hadn’t done that... No, he couldn’t let the guilt consume him because of Tony’s actions.

 

He spent the day hiding, having even instructed JARVIS not to let Tony enter the lab, alleging that he was working with hazardous materials.

 

When they met at night, neither of them spoke about what had happened. Tony, as he sometimes did, had drunk so much he couldn’t remember anything. And Bruce couldn’t even admit to himself what Tony had tried to do.

 

Had they talked, Tony would know how damaging his behavior was and Bruce would understand what made him drink so much. Had they talked, Tony would have said that a group of people at the event did everything to remember him of each of the deaths that his weapons had caused, and he drank to be able not to think about them.

 

If only they had talked...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, the next one is bigger, I promise.  
> I'll try to update every couple of days, but I have civil and criminal law tests, so I won't have much time to write.


	5. Of alcohol and betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, the next chapter is almost ready.

The third time happened when Bruce had traveled to a conference in Chicago.

 

Tony had insisted that he got back in touch with the scientific community, and to present the new elastic nano-fiber that they had developed seemed like a great opportunity to do just that. Of course he wouldn’t say that the purpose of their research was to create pants that weren’t destroyed by his transformation. He spent four days at the conference, and it was strange to think of how it became difficult to sleep without the presence or at least the smell of Tony. They talked to one another every day by phone, and there wasn’t a minute of the day when they didn’t exchanged messages. Their relationship was in a good moment, and Bruce was afraid to do something that would ruin everything.

 

After the closure of the activities, he decided to take a night flight. He was exhausted, but preferred to sleep in his own bed than to spend another night in the presidential suite that Tony has reserved for him. Well, in his and Tony’s bed, it was important say.

 

He hoped that Tony had not been drinking, or at least had not drunk too much. He hated when Tony drank, he turned into someone else. When he was sober he was gentle, a little provocative, but always knew when to stop, he was loving and fun, and when he was drunk, he was inconsistent, sometimes violent and didn’t care about anyone but himself. When he was sober they made love and when he was drunk it was just sex. The difference was very clear to Bruce, who did everything to stay away when the other drank too much.

 

He simply wanted to get home and throw himself on the bed, but was surprised by how JARVIS greeted him when he entered the elevator. Something was wrong.

 

When he reached the top floor, he discovered what it was. Tony was practically being dragged to bed, because he obviously had difficulties to keep standing, by three women in different stages of undress. He dropped his suitcase down on the floor, which caught the attention of the four.

 

"Brucy, I can explain!" he said trying to get away from them, but failing because of the lack of balance.

 

Bruce felt his eyes sting and did nothing to stop the tears from falling. He always thought that he wasn’t enough and that Tony would return to his old habits, but he hoped to have more time, he was hoping for some kind of sign. Strangely, he didn’t felt the Other Guy fighting to take control. He felt no anger, just a deep pain.

 

He turned to leave, he couldn’t bear the sight. The three women were beautiful, probably models. A redhead, a brunette and a blonde, all three in their twenties. How could he hope to compete with that? Tony was smart, beautiful, rich and famous. And he was... He was alive only by accident and it would be better if he wasn’t. It had been foolish to imagine that what they had could last. A pariah who risked the lives of everyone around him had no place with one of the most eligible bachelors in New York, and maybe even in the world.

 

"Brucy, wait!" Tony yelled, trying to run towards him and fell flat on his face.

 

Of course he was drunk. He committed his worst mistakes under the influence of alcohol. Bruce said nothing, and simply left, promising himself that he would use the card that Tony gave him for the last time, he called a taxi and bought plane tickets by phone. He would go away. And this time, he would ensure that no even SHIELD could find him.


	6. Of alcohol and forgiveness

Bruce wished that he had the courage to go ahead with his plan. It would have been better if he just left, he couldn’t bear seeing another alcoholic destroy the lives of people around him. And also, he couldn’t bear the idea that he wasn’t enough for someone he loved. He knew he wasn’t enough and could never be, not even Pepper had been able to keep Tony faithful, yet he tried and was surprised to have failed. It was a mistake to have started that relationship, and he should have left, never to return.

 

In fact, he tried to leave. He bought his ticket and was about to board the plane when he began to think about the possibility of losing control inside. If he did, all the people who were there die. Only a few hours ago he had flown without problems, but now he felt way more out of control. It would be smarter to ask a ride in a SHIELD drone to somewhere in continental Europe and then proceed on foot to Africa or India. He spent so much time deciding what to do that he didn’t noticed that he missed their flight, and that the sun was beginning to rise. It was only when he saw Tony desperately running toward him that he realized that he wouldn’t leave. He couldn’t.

 

"Bruce." Tony said hugging him tightly and gasping for breath, since he had run around the entire airport looking for him. "I'm sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I never wanted to cheat on you, never. I have no idea what went through my head yesterday, but I swear I'll never do that again. "

 

Bruce didn’t move, but did nothing to avert Tony. It was so nice to feel the warmth of his body, the rigidity of the reactor against his chest, the comfort of his arms, the rubbing of his beard against his skin, his voice so close...

 

He wanted to get carried away and forget what Tony had done. During most of the time there was nothing more he preferred to stay with him. It was worth giving up everything they had just because he drank too much at one time or another? After all, Tony hasn’t abandoned him when he lost control during an earthquake and destroyed one of his many beach houses. He wasn’t a perfect person, he couldn’t require Tony to be.

 

"Why, Tony? Just tell me this... Why?" he asked almost crying and burying his head in the crook of his neck.

 

Tony hugged him even stronger, as if to ensure he wouldn’t escape. Something inside Bruce still told him he should leave, but he no longer had the strength to do so.

 

"Because I'm an idiot and always end up destroying everything good in my life. Don’t let me destroy what we have." he pleaded in an almost inaudible whisper, not usually he allowed himself to be so vulnerable.

 

Without noticing it, they were both crying in each other's arms, standing in the middle of the airport and ignoring the world around them. All that existed, all that mattered was that hug.

 

Bruce knew he should leave, but couldn’t. He was beginning to understand how people ended up trapped in abusive relationships, but he didn’t want to think about that in those terms. They were just two imperfect people with their own shortcomings, they need to accept their own failings and those of each other. If Tony could accept that he was the Hulk, the least he could do was accept that Tony sometimes drank too much and made mistakes. Maybe if he knew Tony only drank out of guilt and only did it to get hurt, he would have asked him to stop. However, taken by own guilt, he wasn’t able to demand anything.


	7. Of alcohol and violence

When he heard the sound of a table to be threw, he knew Tony had been drinking too much again.

 

His first instinct was to go there to see how he was. His second instinct was to leave the lab and hide somewhere until the alcohol’s effect passed. He followed neither, he stayed where he was and tried to ignore the noise.

 

Tony was arguing with his robots, angry because they were not able to do something he wanted them to do. Perhaps he would end up breaking one of them, but he wouldn’t do anything that he wouldn’t be able to fix when sober. It was better that he was only with objects that could be repaired, because he was very violent.

 

It was only when Tony threw Dummy across the lab that Bruce decided he needed to do something.

 

"Tony, it's late, go to bed." he said in a quiet tone, hoping he could escape a discussion.

 

Tony tried to look at him, but since he couldn’t figure out which of the five Bruces was the real one, he gave up.

 

"Not tired." he said in a voice so drawling that Bruce had difficulty understanding what he had said.

 

Bruce was about to answer when Tony threw the bottle down with force, scattering the pieces across the floor of the lab.

 

"Tony, you've drunk too much, let’s go to bed." he said with his voice still calm.

 

"No!" shouted Tony, then to say several things that Bruce wasn’t able to understand.

 

Not knowing what to do, Bruce stooped to pick up the pieces. Tony was stepping on them, but none had pierced his work boots. He kept wandering around the lab, turning occasionally a table or throwing some equipment against the glass walls.

 

"Come to bed, Tony." as he was desperate, he decided to appeal. "We don’t need sleep, just come into the bedroom. We can do whatever you want if you stop drinking and come with me."

 

How many times he had seen his mother try to seduce his father for him to stop drinking before he started to beat her? He felt that way, despite not believe that Tony would hurt him. At least not intentionally. But he had noticed that Tony was much rougher during sex when it came to a certain point of his drinking.

 

"No! I'm fine!"

 

After these words, he turned on a laser and completely destroyed the new project for a armor he was working on. He threw away six months of work and was beginning to endanger himself.

 

"Tony, please, stop!" cried Bruce, he felt the tears starting to form.

 

The whole scene was too familiar, but it wasn’t Tony’s other drunken nights he remembered. Tony could be a promiscuous jerk when drunk, but he had never before been violent. He knew he had reached the point of fighting one of the people closest to him (not a friend, Tony had no friends, only Pepper, Bruce and JARVIS) using his armor and his weapons, getting to break a good chunk of his mansion. But he had never witnessed such behavior.

 

Tony approached and Bruce pulled away instinctively, but Tony was faster and grabbed him by the hair. At that moment, Bruce felt fear. He didn’t felt the Other Guy fighting to free himself, he liked Tony and protected him as much as he protected Bruce. So he wasn’t afraid for Tony. He felt afraid for himself.

 

"Get away from me. Now!" Tony shouted in a lapse of lucidity before pushing him away.

 

He saw what Tony was doing. He couldn’t control his anger and wanted him to stay away so he wouldn’t get hurt. While wanting to escape, he wanted even more to ensure that Tony would be fine.

 

"Tony." he called in calm tone. "Tony, please."

 

But his appeal wasn’t heard, nor did Tony turn to face him. So, he decided to act in a way for which he would blame himself for a long time. He grabbed Tony by the shoulders and pushed him into the room they built to contain the Other Guy. There he wouldn’t be able to do any harm to himself.


	8. Of alcohol and guilt

When Tony woke up at Playground Hulk, that Bruce insisted on calling contention room despite being built to let the Hulk have some fun and blow out some steam, he realized that something really wrong had happened. He had no idea what had happened the night before, but he felt that he didn’t just got stuck there by accident. But only he and Bruce knew the code... One of them had to have opened the door, no one else had permission to do this. And why would he be trapped? Was it to protect himself or... He swallowed hard. To protect others from him? He remembered that earlier he was drinking, but nothing after that. Had he done something? He got up with a jump, repenting soon afterwards because of severe headache. Still, he gave himself not a minute to recover and ran to the door, he needed to find out what he had done.

 

When he was typing the code, he noticed that his wrists were covered in dried blood. By tapping his knuckles, he realized that the blood was his. The wall next to the door also had bloodstains in various heights, as if someone was randomly pounding it. It was further evidence that he had not gone there of his own volition. What had happened?

 

Once he stepped in the lab, he heard the voice of JARVIS.

 

\- Sir? Dr. Banner is the master suite, it might be advisable to speak with him.

 

Tony wanted to ask JARVIS the filming from the night before, but at the same time he feared what he would find. After a moment's hesitation, he decided to talk to Bruce first, and apologize without even knowing what he had done.

 

In the bedroom, he found Bruce lying on the bed, hugging Tony’s pillows and crying so quietly he could barely be heard. Tony sat on the bed beside him, not knowing what to do.

 

\- Tony ... - Bruce called him, looking up. - Tony, I'm sorry, I...

 

Tony gently placed his index finger on top of Bruce’s lips, to shut him up. His eyes were red and swollen, he had been crying all night.

 

\- It's my fault, I am the one that have to apologize. - Tony said pulling him into a hug. - You did what you had to do, I am the one that have to ask for your forgiveness.

 

Contrary to popular believe, Tony wasn’t completely indifferent to the people around him. He understood more about feelings than he showed, and he learned even more in those months alongside Bruce. He had already realized that Bruce felt guilty for locking him, especially because of all that he had suffered while imprisoned. Both had problems with capture and captivity. Having to force Tony to stay there must have been one of the worst things that had occurred to him because of Tony. He also knew that he had deserved to be trapped, there was no doubt. Bruce wouldn’t do so if it were otherwise.

 

He felt his own tears start to fall. What was he doing with his life? He had ruined a relationship that was more than he could expect, and now that he had found... What? His soul mate? It was a too slobbery term, and he would never say that aloud. But he had found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and he was ruining everything. He didn’t even remembered why he begun to drink, as was often the case and even the intention.

 

None of them knew what to say, so they just kept quiet, embraced. Tony wanted to promise that he would never drink, but he didn’t know if he had the strength to keep that promise and didn’t wanted to lie. And Bruce wanted to ask him never to drink, but feared that Tony would choose the bottle instead of him, because he knew how deep addictions can go. They both wanted the same thing, but didn’t know how to achieve what they wanted. So, at that time, they allowed themselves to just be there, just enjoying the comfort and presence of each other.

 

They didn’t talk about Bruce’s unhappy childhood memories that were aroused by Tony’s attitudes. Nor about the memories of abuse from his father that Tony spent years suppressing by drowning them in alcohol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay and thank you to all who are following anyway.  
> To compensate, I shall post the next chapter tonight or maybe tomorrow afternoon.  
> And if you think that what Tony has done so far was bad, wait for the next two chapters.


	9. Of alcohol and inconsequence

Bruce woke up feeling a little disoriented. The last thing he remembered was being called by Fury along with the rest of the Avengers to save the world once more. It wasn’t uncommon for him to forget the moments just before the transformation, then he wasn’t bothered because he couldn’t remember the nature of the threat. The pain he felt by the whole body was already too familiar, as well as the exhaustion. What was strange was to be in a hospital. Normally, after the battles, Tony came to find him. He had built up a reservoir for clothes in the back of his armor, to ensure that Bruce had something to wear besides totally ripped pants. He also tried to build special clothes that widen as his body grew, but the Hulk seemed to have an aversion to clothes and always undressed when noticed their presence.

 

He lifted his head slowly, trying to find out where he was. He wasn’t arrested, that didn’t mean he wasn’t a prisoner. It was a single room of the hospital, to one person. He saw Tony’s sunglasses in the companion’s armchair, but its owner wasn’t there. He was still trying to figure out where he was when Natasha appeared.

 

\- Where am I? What happened? – he asked as soon as he saw her.

 

She sat on the bed, and looked tired, or responsible for a painful task. Looking at her closely, he noticed that she had been injured. She had a splint on her right arm and her face had a few small cuts.

 

\- Bruce, first of all, you must know that Tony was very worried about you.

 

Bruce felt his heart skip a beat. Natasha was hesitating. Natasha! Something terrible must have happened to Tony. But he was there, wasn’t he? Bruce remembered having seen his glasses. And where was Tony now?

 

\- Tasha, please. What happened? – he asked, his voice full of concern.

 

She stared intently at the heart monitor. Whatever she was going to say, she feared it could cause a transformation. What could be so bad?

 

\- There was a nuclear bomb that was about to explode. Nobody knew what to do, Tony did everything to try to disarm it. Nothing seemed to work, we only had a few seconds...

 

Bruce froze, thinking about what Tony did during the battle Chitauri. But no, this couldn’t have happened. Tony was in the room, he knew it.

 

\- Tony...? – he tried to ask, but his voice barely came out.

 

\- Fury had an idea, Tony wouldn’t even listen, but the Hulk... He said he would protect us, then he swallowed the bomb and walked away. When it exploded, Tony was looking for you, he was desperate. The Hulk was unconscious for five days before transforming back on you. Nobody knew when you would recover, he was very nervous. He never left your side, even for a moment.

 

\- How long have I been here?

 

\- Two weeks. Until yesterday, the doctors didn’t know if you would wake up. Tony called doctors, nuclear physicists, anyone who might have a clue how to make you better. He went days without sleep and without food, refusing to depart from the room.

 

Bruce was increasingly nervous. Natasha was the stalling. What could be worse than anything that had happened?

 

\- Where is he? – he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

 

Natasha looked away. She was playing with the hem of the sheet, seeking for the right words for what she had to say next.

 

\- No one knows. – she answered without looking up.

 

Bruce felt his heart skip a beat. What was happening? Everything was surreal. He still couldn’t believe he spent two weeks in a coma after eating a nuclear bomb, and now Tony was gone. He was panicking. He loved Tony, he knew that, but until now he hadn’t realized how terrifying the idea of losing him was.

 

Realizing that he was in shock, Natasha decided to finally explain what had happened. She wish she could have been more direct, but despite all her courage she wouldn’t want to face an angry Hulk.

 

\- Fury has called him for a meeting two days ago. He wanted to discuss what would be done if you... didn’t wake up. Tony was angry, and then he started drinking. After so many days without eating or sleeping, the alcohol affected him really fast. And when Fury said we had to be prepared for the possibility of you dying... he took down the Helicarrier.

 

Bruce's eyes widened. Even drunk, it doesn’t look like the kind of thing that Tony would do. He wanted to ask if Natasha had been wounded in battle or in the Helicarrier, but he didn’t dare. As much as he didn’t want to admit it to himself, he knew that those injuries weren’t two weeks old. It all was his fault. He knew Tony had a problem and did nothing. He wanted to ask if anyone had died, but at that time he couldn’t handle one more bit of guilt.


	10. Of alcohol and consequences

Wherever he looked, he only saw destruction. Natasha had tried to convince him that he had no reason to go there, but they both knew that wasn’t true. Even if she had tried to convince him that it wasn’t his fault, he felt responsible for Tony’s actions. How he let things reach that point? On the way, she tried to prepare him for what he would see, but nothing could have prepared him for that.

 

The Helicarrier crashed while flying over the ocean, but it was close enough to the coast that a landing on the mainland could be risked. Still, only part of the aircraft came to shore. Two days had passed, but several agents were still lost in the ocean and the searches weren’t finished. Some parts of the fuselage were still on fire due to power the fuel. Agents ran from one side to the other, all obviously tired, but none willing to stop helping for even a moment before all their colleagues were found, dead or alive.

 

Bruce saw agent Coulson approaching, but not knowing what to say, he stayed quiet. Coulson ignored him, obviously in pain and with resentment stamped in his voice when he addressed Natasha.

 

\- The Captain hasn’t yet been found. The crew is still calculating the likely trajectory, but the ocean currents are affecting the result. The next batch of search boats will be out in an hour. – He didn’t wait for an answer before leaving, he had a lot to do and didn’t want to end up blaming Bruce for something that wasn’t really his fault.

 

Bruce was biting his lower lip to try to stop himself from crying. He couldn’t believe that Tony, his Tony, had done it all. Of course he knew very well the effects of alcohol abuse, but this was ridiculous! Tony could have an arrogant pose, but he was a hero who wouldn’t hesitate to give his own life in exchange for those of others, as he had already proven several times. The Tony he knew wouldn’t be able to attack his own friends and risk the lives of so many people. But was that so? After all, he had admitted to himself that he didn’t know the man who Tony became when under the effect of abusive quantities of alcohol.

 

\- Tasha, what happened to the Captain? – he asked, his voice beginning to fail.

 

\- He tried to stop Tony when he began to destroy everything he saw ahead of him. Then Tony shot him with full power. He was driven out of the Helicarrier and has yet to been found.

 

He was about to respond when he saw Clint running toward him. When he realized what was happening, he was being lifted off the ground by a pair of menacing fists. He wasn’t scared or angry, so everyone was safe. A part of him wanted Clint punch him until he lost consciousness, he felt the need to pay for all the pain he was seeing.

 

\- Your boyfriend almost killed us! - Clint shouted with anger and contempt.

 

Somehow, Bruce's knew Clint’s anger wasn’t motivated by what happened to him, but by the risk that his friends had suffered. Clint pretended to be distant very often, but he did care much for his friends, especially Coulson and Natasha. Bruce didn’t answer because he didn’t have an answer. After all, it was true, Tony had done everything.

 

\- Clint, enough. - said Natasha forcing him to drop the scientist.

 

Bruce let himself fall kneeling on the floor, he no longer had the strength to stand. The weight of the guilt was too much to bear. He needed to do something, he couldn’t let Tony get lost, not when he was responsible for returning meaning to his life. Tony rescued him from himself, it seemed only appropriate to do the same for him. If only he had a way to find him... He needed to find him before the SHIELD did.

 

He felt the tears coming, and this time did nothing to stop them. He needed to find a solution. He refused to believe that Tony was beyond salvation. It was late, of course, he had left too much time pass. But it was not yet too late, the situation wasn’t yet irreversible, Tony could still become the person who he wanted him to be.

 

The darkest part of his mind, the one that made him try to eat a bullet so many years ago, did everything to kill his hope. It was it who forced him to think that he was the cause of everything, that Tony’s drinking was his fault, and that if he hadn’t spent so many days in the hospital nothing would have happened. It was his fault for failing with Tony and worrying him so much. It was his fault for being so careless and eating a nuclear bomb powerful enough to at least hurt the Other Guy. It was he who should be blamed, not Tony. He did his best to quell those thoughts, but he couldn’t remove them completely. Blaming himself for everything was a trait of his personality, and his relationship with Tony had only worsened the situation.

 

How could the same person who has improved his life so much be responsible for creating this nightmare for which he had just woken up? It was time for an ultimatum, he wouldn’t allow things to continue as they were. Tony would have to decide between him and the drink, and he would make such that he did the right choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay! I wasted all my vacations doing nothing (but study Spanish, don't ask me why), but now that my classes started again I'll finish this in no time.  
> If you are still with me after this hiatus, bless you.


	11. Of alcohol and promises

Unfortunately, the SHIELD was faster than Bruce in finding Tony. They had far more resources than him, and he couldn’t even ask for Jarvis’ help as Tony expressly forbade it to assist anyone that was looking for him.

 

At least he had to give director Fury credit for calling him as soon as Tony was found. Or rather, as soon as Coulson made sure that he was alive and would survive. When he was found in the underground cavern, he wasn’t breathing, but the suit’s oxygen reserve which he had installed after his stroll in space should have ended not long ago, because in just a few minutes he was revived.

 

Bruce was still surprised to discover that Tony tried to kill himself. It just didn’t look like something he would do, at least as directly. Self-destruct with alcohol, sex and violence? Sure. Hold up inside a cave in the middle of the ocean to drown? No. Still, he had no idea that Tony was able to attack their own friends. There was also the fact that he thought Bruce was dead. When Fury suggested that this might have been part of the reason why Tony acted in such fashion, he felt his heart sink in his chest, but at the same time experienced an unexpected and cruel satisfaction. Even in a destructive way, it was the most intense love that he had ever experienced. Knowing that someone loved him enough to not be able to live without him was as incredible as it was terrible.

 

He hesitated for a moment before entering the infirmary room where Tony was being detained. When he saw Tony handcuffed in bed, he was unable to hold back tears. Seeing him arrested as a criminal was too much. The noise of the door opening caused no reaction in Tony, who continued to look at a wall with a blank stare.

 

\- Tony... What did you do? – he asked, surprised with the high pitch of his voice.

 

It was only then that Tony turned his head toward the door. Once he saw Bruce his face lit up. For a moment, he forgot everything else and tried to jump towards him, but only managed to force his skin against the handcuffs.

 

\- Bruce? Is that really you? Are you really here? – he asked in a voice filled with emotion. Fury had already warned him that Bruce was alive, but he hadn’t believed. Somehow, he had lost what little faith he had left in the days when he was in the hospital waiting unsuccessfully that Bruce waked up.

 

\- What you had in mind, Tony? – he asked without being moved by the love and despair in the voice of the other.

 

Tony tried to look away embarrassed, but the way his arms were trapped didn’t allow much movement. Since the alcohol’s effect passed, he felt consumed by the weight of what he did.

 

\- I'm sorry. I don’t know what happened. I thought you'd never wake up and...

 

\- No! – he screamed violently. – Don’t you dare put the blame on me.

 

Bruce didn’t realize what he had said until he heard his own words. And it was only then that he learned how true they were. He spent too much time blaming himself for Tony’s attitudes, but both men were adults and were responsible for their own behavior. He already carried too much blame for all the things he couldn’t avoid doing, he couldn’t afford to carry the destruction caused by another person. No matter how much he loved Tony, that was a feeling he couldn’t take for himself.

 

\- I don’t... I wasn’t. God, Bruce, I would never... – he didn’t know how to explain, or at least didn’t know if there was an explanation. He recognized fine well that the fault was only his, he wouldn’t dream of implying otherwise. But how could he express the despair that led him to do act like that? - I was so worried, and had drunk way too much and...

 

\- This is exactly the problem! – he realized he was still yelling, but was not able to stop. - You always do this! - the tears streamed down his face and he didn’t do anything to stop them. - When you drink, you... – he sobbed. - You become another person, you do things that I never imagined you could. - then he lowered his voice to become little more than a murmur. - Things cannot continue like this.

 

Tony took a moment to realize where he was getting. And then, he spent a bit more time thinking about what he would respond. He knew what he needed to say, but didn’t want to make promises that he wasn’t able to fulfill. He wanted to say that he would never drink again, but didn’t trust himself that much. After all, now he was well aware that he was suicidal and that alcohol was his weapon of choice. It was his punishment, his favorite hell. How could he give up such a thing? How could he give up his only way to drown the pain?

 

\- I know Bruce, but that is...

 

Bruce could feel that he would start with one of their arguments. I also knew that all his arguments would be phoney, but would make sense. And in the end he would end up giving in to Tony, as always. He couldn’t allow the cycle to continue, he had to end it all now. He straightened his posture, choked back the tears and wiped his eyes and, when he spoke, his voice was firm and clear.

 

\- No, Tony. This is your last chance. Not only for me, but for you. If you want to get better, I promise I'll be with you every step of the way and do everything in my power to give you all the conditions you need to heal, you have my unconditional support. But if you prefer putting your life and the lives of others at risk, you won’t see me again. I won’t stand here and watch you kill yourself.

 

Tony swallowed hard. He had no other choice. He couldn’t afford to lose Bruce.

 

\- I want you with me, and I never want to feel like it felt when I heard what happened in the hellicarrier. – he answered simply, unable to verbalize the exact words.

 

It still wasn’t enough.

 

\- Promise me you'll never drink again. - Bruce demanded, afraid to be pushing the other too far, but knowing it was his only chance.

 

\- I promise. – he answered mechanically.

 

Bruce turned to the door.

 

\- If you're lying to me, I won’t even listen to your excuses. I'll go where you won’t be able to find me ever again. - and while opening the door - I will ask director Fury to release you, he said you could go home if I kept you under control.

 

And like so Tony made a promise that he wasn’t able to fulfill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to update twice a week, ok?


	12. Of alcohol and lies

For a few months, everything was fine between them. Neither could pretend that the recovery was easy, but it wasn’t as difficult as expected. There are several types of alcoholics, and Tony wasn’t the kind that needed a dose of alcohol every day. At least not when his life was working fine. He had no trouble spending several days without drinking, but from time to time something happened and made him want to forget everything for a few hours. These were the moments when he desperately needed Bruce’s help. If they had to decide which was the best thing brought by this situation to them, it would be the dialogue. They talked more openly now, or at least tried. Tony never imagined that talking about what made him want to drink would help so much. Sometimes it took hours or even days for him to get the power to verbalize the origin of his desires, but when he finally could, he felt an indescribable relief.

 

The only significant change that Tony did in his routine was to avoid charity events. It was his own idea, he didn’t feel ready yet to reject what he saw as just a harmless drink when everyone around him had a glass of champagne in their hands. This was one of his biggest problems: at various times he still believed that all this was nonsense and that only a little bit of alcohol couldn’t hurt anyone. And on some days this belief became so strong that Jarvis spontaneously decided to recall him of what happened to the hellicarrier. But this was a resource that should be used sparingly, because the undesired result was that for a few days nothing could cheer Tony.

 

But he wasn’t prepared for what happened that afternoon. As always, guilt was his greatest enemy. He was in one of the SHIELD’s offices, as he promised Bruce that he would behave and would at least try to listen to the director Furry. But he was alone in the office when an agent who he didn’t know came in and locked the door.

 

\- You know who I am? - he asked before stopping and resting on the table in front of him.

 

Forcing his memory a little, he recalled that he was the same agent who he saw playing on the computer during the crisis with Loki. It was difficult to recognize him, he looked very different. Tired, gaunt, his eyes dead and hopeless. He spent a moment trying to imagine what he was being blamed for before answering.

 

\- Sure, Galaga fan. How could I forget? – he said with a half-smile trying to hide his nervousness.

 

\- Wes. I have a name, you know? Wes Mitchell.

 

\- So what..? - Tony replied.

 

\- But we had another agent Mitchell working for SHIELD. Agent Emma Mitchell, my wife. If you look at her file, you will see that states "inactive agent - missing in action".

 

It was only then that Tony realized where he was getting. He felt his stomach sink, of course several things could have happened, but he wouldn’t be locked in an office with that agent if what happened wasn’t his fault. He didn’t say anything, he couldn’t.

 

\- She disappeared on the day you dropped the hellicarrier on a whim. Lost at sea, presumed dead. She was simply doing her job and you killed her.

 

He didn’t know what to say. He had imagined that some deaths had occurred that day, but never sought official reports. Firstly, he had no access to them. But that was just an excuse, he could hack the SHIELD’s system upside down, using his cell phone and typing with just his tongue. Mainly, he knew he wasn’t going to tolerate this guilt. He was too weak to accept what he had done.

 

\- I... I’m so... – he began to respond.

 

\- No. Don’t give me excuses. You killed her and weren’t even punished for it. Next week would be our fifth anniversary. Iron wedding. Ironic, is it not?

 

His voice was starting to sound threatening, but his own actions scared him more than anyone else could. What could he say or do to improve the situation? A woman died because of him. This man lost his wife. What would he do if someone killed Bruce in front of him, without having a good reason, and still got away with it? He couldn’t imagine, but he sure would want revenge. Whatever agent Mitchell decided to do, he wouldn’t oppose. He didn’t believe he had that right. He deserved any punishment the other deemed appropriate.

 

\- If there’s anything I can do...

 

Mitchell grabbed his suit and rose him from his chair with a look of pure hatred.

 

\- I would say "what if you watched your boyfriend die in front of you while you could do nothing to stop it?" But it’s an aberration that can’t die. Then maybe I can break your spine so you remember that you stole a part of me for the rest of your life? It’s the most appropriate.

 

At that moment, he had no doubt that Mitchell was capable of doing this, and Tony had already decided that wouldn’t do anything to stop him. If that was the price he had to pay for his actions, then he would accept it. It seemed appropriate, and perhaps not so great a punishment, he could always change his suit to be moved by neural commands. All this passed through his mind in less than a second before director Furry subscribed the code that Mitchell used to lock the door and entered the office.

 

\- What is happening here? - he asked.

 

Mitchell released Tony immediately.

 

\- Nothing, I must return to my post. - he replied.

 

Furry looked inquisitively at Tony before letting the agent go. He would require explanations later, but now he had better things to do than worry about a fight that Tony probably had provoked. The meeting was faster than it should, since Tony was obviously not paying attention to anything he was saying. He let him go with the promise that he would receive the instructions for the construction of a new equipment for the agency and would deliver it by the end of the week.

 

On the way home, Tony passed the first market that he found and bought a bottle of cheap whiskey. Of course he knew he shouldn’t do that, but he couldn’t stop. In his defense, he could say that he tried to call Bruce half a dozen times before opening the bottle. But he was giving a lecture at some university and had put the phone on silent. It was his first relapse, but he knew fine well that he was ruining the only chance he had.

 

So this is how he ended up breaking one of the most important promises he made in his life and lied to someone he loved.


	13. Of alcohol and loneliness

Tony woke up with the worst hangover of his life. To say that a nuclear bomb appeared to have exploded inside his head didn’t come close to the truth, the pain was much worse. He had forgotten the terrible aftertaste that alcohol and vomit left in his mouth. The smell that surrounded him was of vomit and urine. When did he become a pathetic drunk? What had happened? He betrayed Bruce’s trust, but it wasn’t only because of that he hated what he did. He had spoken the truth when he said he couldn’t allow anything like what happened with the hellicarrier happen ever again. He wish he had the willpower necessary to fix his life, but this was just further proof that he was a loser who couldn’t get more than a few months of balance before returning to ruin everything.

 

He tried to open his eyes, but couldn’t bear the light. He didn’t even thought of getting up, he knew he had no ability to do that. At some he point must have fallen on the floor, because it was where he laid now. Before he had a chance to further evaluate his situation, he heard a familiar voice.

 

\- I should be gone already, but for some reason I felt that we both needed a conclusion. I'm going now, and I'll catch a plane, never to return. You will not you follow me and you will not look for me. We'll never see each other again. Whatever happens, I'm not coming back. Not even if another alien invasion or something like that happen. This time, not even SHIELD will be able to find me. This is farewell. - Bruce's voice sounded extremely tired and depressed, but most of all disappointed. Tony failed him and he failed Tony, but he was disappointed with himself for having believed that they could live happily together.

 

Tony struggled to open his eyes, just in time to see Bruce get off the couch and go. He used all the strength he had to try to get up, but all he could do was to drag himself for a few inches before falling in a pile of his own vomit. He tried a few more times before giving up and laying his head on the icy ground.

 

He started crying and hated himself even more because this was another weakness. It wasn’t simple tears rolling down his face, but a full-body cry to which he surrendered himself in body and soul. It was the kind of quiet, desperate cry, with a sob every time he managed to take a breath. It was the kind of cry that made the air lack and made he need to fight to breathe through the closing throat and the runny nose. He couldn’t remember when was the last time he cried so intensely, and honestly didn’t care. Nothing else mattered, he had lost his last hope.

 

If he had the ability to think straight, perhaps he would realize that a relapse wasn’t the end of the world and it happened to many people who were fighting an addiction. If he could see this, then he would see he needed to seek help if he wanted to have any chance of moving on. Except that at the time he wasn’t able to realize anything. And even if he thought on getting some therapy or something, he knew he wasn’t strong enough to face it alone.

 

It would have been better if agent Mitchell had fulfilled his threat. He was certain that Bruce would have taken care of him if he had his spine broken. Damn, if that happened Bruce probably would have no problem taking care of him for life, he was just that kind of person. It really would have been better. Physical wounds were easier to handle, even those that couldn’t be fully repaired. If the agent knew the damage that he had managed to cause, he probably would be even more pleased...

 

No! He couldn’t go on blaming other people for what he did. Nobody forced him to drink. It was he who decided to ruin everything for what he had worked so hard in recent months. He could only blame himself for being an idiot who ruined everything he touched. After all, it was he who killed Mitchell’s wife and started it all. What was her name again? Emma. It was he who killed Emma. What’s the point in pretending that he was some kind of hero if he had killed an innocent person for no reason? And like a coward, rather than trying to do what he could to improve the situation, he drowned in alcohol so he wouldn’t have to think about it.

 

He should call Pepper, she would know what to do, she always knew what to do. But he didn’t want to talk to her. Talking to her would be to admit that the problem was bigger than he could bear, and also... She would ask for Bruce, she would wonder why he wasn’t asking for his help. And he wouldn’t be able to answer, and being who she was and knowing him so well, she would infer that something terrible had happened. And it would make things worse.

 

Maybe he could call Rhodes. He was good at not asking questions. He would understand that Tony needed help, not judgment. Yes, it was to him that he should turn. Except that Rhodes was occupied for the next two months on a secret mission and in complete isolation. Tony was certainly good enough to hack the army’s system, or at least the parts of it that were connected on the internet. However, he wasn’t able to do anything right now.

 

Pepper was out and Rhodes wasn’t really an option. The other avengers and the entire staff of SHIELD hated him. Bruce had departed. There was no one else. He couldn’t ask anyone else for help. He was alone, more alone than ever before. And it was all his fault. It was he who caused all his problems. And now he had pushed away everyone he cared about. No one was left...

 

It was only then that he remembered the only person who would still be willing to help. If he could be regarded as a person. JARVIS would help him, he was the one who didn’t hate him, he was the only one who still hadn’t gotten away. He needed his help, but not to seek treatment. He had decided what he needed to do, even though it was extremely difficult.

 

However, he wasn’t able to do that. Not with his head spinning and the effects of the hangover still disabling. At the time, he wasn’t even able to get up of the puddle of vomit and urine where he was thrown.

 

Using all the strength he had managed to gather, he turned. At least then he could breathe better. It was the most pathetic figure he had ever seen. But none of that mattered now, he had found a new purpose. It was the only thing he could do, even though he didn’t know exactly how this would help. With JARVIS’ help he would find out everything he had done, he would face all he had worked so hard to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is almost over now!  
> I kinda wrote myself into a problem, because now I only have a chapter to make Tony gain the power to try to fix his life. Well, maybe it will be a longer chapter or something.  
> Sorry if there is any mistakes, it's a bit too late to work on translation, and I didn't want to make you wait until Sunday. If you find any just tell me and I'll fix it.  
> I'll try to write another chapter on Sunday, but no promises.


	14. Of amnesia and recollection

Many people argue that there is no such thing as alcoholic amnesia, that it’s all just an excuse invented by drunks who want to escape the responsibility of what they did. The fact is that the amount of alcohol required for the brain to become unable to record new information is absurd, much greater than that required to lose consciousness. But the thing is, alcoholic amnesia isn’t always chemical, most of the time it’s psychological, and it’s no less true because of it. In Tony’s case, it was definitely psychological. At least his brain was merciful enough to protect him from some of the atrocities that his destructive behavior led him to do. But one person can only heal from something she knows she did. Dealing with errors of which you have no memories is extremely difficult to say the least, and impossible for many people. So Tony decided he would find out about everything he did. It was the only thing he could think of that might help.

 

Three hours had passed since Bruce left. It seemed impossible to believe that it have being so little time. He had taken a bath before starting, he couldn’t stand the smell that had permeated him. After all, it wasn’t as if he needed to act quickly. Bruce had already left and was not coming back, regardless of what he did.

 

He sat on the couch and prepared to start. It was the last thing he wanted to do, but at the same time he felt how necessary the knowledge of his own actions was. He asked JARVIS to exhibit all security footage from the days when he drank too much. And that, no matter what happened, he should not stop the display. He was afraid to lose courage, and then he would need JARVIS to prevent him from giving up.

 

When he saw the footage of the first time he kissed Bruce, in the lab, he was surprised by the fact that Bruce gave him a chance after that. And when he discovered what he tried to do with him in the beginning of their relationship... He didn’t believe what he had tried to do. It seemed impossible, he couldn’t believe he was capable of something like that. But after what he did with the hellicarrier, could he really say with certainty that there was something he wouldn’t do?

 

He saw Bruce crying, locked in the bathroom. This happened over a year ago. How did Bruce endure so long? Why he agreed to stay with someone who hurt him so much? He should have left much earlier.

 

He was appalled by the violence of which he was capable of when he was drunk. How could he do that? Just to think of the memories that he had awakened in Bruce because of his behavior! He knew about his father, he knew he was even worse than his. He wished he could read what had happened in Bruce's head at that moment, but feared it more than anything else. He wanted... No. He needed to understand what he had done. He needed to understand what had caused.

 

Several more moments passed in front of his eyes. JARVIS was doing a synthesized presentation, displaying only the key moments of every situation. It wasn’t what he had asked, but maybe JARVIS knew he needed it to end as soon as possible. The more time Tony spent watching his own actions, the worse he felt.

 

And the tapes of the hellicarrier were the worst. He didn’t know how JARVIS had managed to take them by himself, but at that time that was what mattered in the least. He saw people screaming and running from one side to another. The agents were trained, but not all were ready to deal with one of their own turning against them. It was different from what had happened to Clint, no one was forcing him to do so, which made it even scarier. He saw agents dying before their eyes, while the others could do nothing to help them. He saw himself attacking the Captain, with violent force. He was surprised with the power of the attack, he had to remind himself that he survived. He repeated sometimes aloud: "Cap is alive, Cap is alive." It seemed impossible, the body crossed a wall of metal and then flew beyond the angle of the camera before, he supposed, drop in the ocean. Finally, he saw something that he thought he wouldn’t be able to deal with.

 

He saw a blonde woman run through one of the cameras. Somehow, he knew who she was. Perhaps from the focus JARVIS was giving her, or maybe from look that agent Mitchell threw to her across the room, but he just knew. She was Emma Mitchell. That was the woman he killed.

 

He had seen other agents die, and he knew what happened to them was also his fault. But somehow this was different. Maybe because he knew someone was hurting because of her death. He didn’t know her, nor he knew most of the others, but agent Mitchell made her death became more relevant. By showing his pain to him, he made Emma became important.

 

He wanted to scream at her, asking her to be careful, begging her to get out of there. When a beam fell on her, he knew that was how she died. The piece of the room where she was detached from the rest of the aircraft, landing in the ocean. JARVIS changed the angle, getting the images from a camera that was closer to her. When the water began to fill the room, she was still conscious. He could see the panic in her eyes as the water level rose. At first, she tried to free herself, but quickly realized that her efforts were useless. She seemed to know as well as he that she wouldn’t survive. Both were crying, Tony felt connected to her. When the water level had raised enough to cover the beam she resumed her efforts to move it. Her idea made sense, the water could help with the weight. However, a beam she was trying to lift must have weighed more than two tons. In the position she was in and with all that weight, not even the water would be of any help. She kept trying even when she could no longer keep her head above the surface. And when her fingers finally dropped the beam, her last breath escaped from her lungs. It was the end. She was dead.

 

To know of someone's death was one thing. To watch a slow death was quite another. That had been a bad idea, he was not in any way better. But the video didn’t stop.

 

JARVIS was showing the footage of the previous afternoon. Bruce finding him thrown in the ground, suffering on his face. So JARVIS sped the video, showing in less than a minute that Bruce spent hours by his side, waiting for him to wake up. He revised their conversation at the same speed, but JARVIS returned to normal speed just before Bruce entered the elevator. Just long enough for Tony to hear the barely audible whisper. "I love you."

 

It was too much. All he had done was simply more than he could bear. Maybe relive it all at once was not the best choice. Maybe he was going too fast. He asked JARVIS for the time, four hours and twenty three minutes since Bruce left. Again, it seemed impossible that so little time had passed.

 

He needed help. He wouldn’t be able to stand alone and JARVIS wasn’t enough to help. He needed to call someone, he needed to have someone there with him. Anyone, anyone would do, anyone who could stop him from doing something silly. He didn’t believe he would be able to survive until the next day if he couldn’t get some help.

 

Except that... He didn’t want help. He hated himself for what he had done. He didn’t believe he deserved help, he was a murderer. The deaths he caused nullified all the lives he saved. The feeling was worse than when he found out about how his weapons were being used, because this time was different. This time the blame was all his, and he could easily have stopped all this destruction.

 

He didn’t want help. He wanted oblivion. Forgetfulness much stronger than alcohol could give him, much more permanent. He wanted something that would guarantee that he would never hurt another person in his life. And he could only think of one thing. Bruce would hate him even more when he found out about it, but it was something he needed to do. It was the only way out he could find.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was actually finished on Sunday, but I couldn't decide if I should add another chapter or not. By the way, I'll add another chapter, but it's the last time, I promise. I'm having trouble getting Tony were I want so I think I'll be using an old trick I don't like so much (the epiphany), but that's what I get for writing myself into a problem.
> 
> If anyone is interested, I'm doing a fanfic giveaway on tumblr.  
> http://melimegreenleaf.tumblr.com/post/46914143005/melimes-for-no-good-reason-giveaway


	15. Of guilt and epiphany

Guilt is a fascinating feeling. As easily as one can be driven mad by love or hate, one can lose their mind with guilt. But guilt isn’t a passion, and not being so, can’t burn with great intensity then consume itself. If love or hatred leave sensitive scars always willing to hurt when poked, guilt is a wound that never heals, an opportunistic infection that returns stronger at every moment of weakness.

 

Confronting at once all that was done by him was the equivalent to bombard his immune system with radiation. It was a foolish decision and it should never have been implemented without supervision. By his own choices, he let the guilt struck him with all its strength and it was more than he could bear. The problem with guilt is that it’s not simply a suffering to be appeased, it’s an unmatched force that requires repair and payment in kind for the suffering caused to others. This dual aspect of guilt is one of the reasons why it’s so terrible: on one hand comes the compulsion to compensate or even overcompensate the victim, on another rises the need for self-flagellation, the desire to pay for the suffering inflicted upon others with your own. When Tony was struck by guilt and intense desire to prevent that his actions were ever repeated, his mind traveled to dangerous places. He should and needed to get help, but it was the last thing he wanted. Just as Mitchell pointed out, he wasn’t punished for his actions, nothing happened. He needed punishment.

 

He put JARVIS on mute, but perhaps on a Freudian slip, did nothing to prevent him from alerting others. It was obvious what he was going to do, even for a computer that, even with all his advanced artificial intelligence, couldn’t understand the self-destructive human instincts. When he became unable to insist on recommending that Tony changed his mind, he immediately called Pepper. A proof of Tony’s brilliance was the fact that he could create an artificial intelligence capable of, on his own initiative, ignoring what his administrator said and wanted to do what he needed.

 

Tony was determined, this time, to succeed in preventing his own actions definitely. This time, there would be no theater, no glorious or even original attempt. He was thinking of Bruce when the solution popped into his mind. He was just human, a bullet in the head would stop him from killing again. He obviously hesitated, and wanted to drink to gather courage, but he managed to fight the urge. He finally mustered his willpower, albeit for the wrong reasons.

 

Pepper was just coming out of the elevator when she heard the shot.

* * *

 

He opened his eyes.

 

That was the "light" that everyone talked about? It was blinding, and only worsened his headache. Wait a moment... Could he get a headache if he was dead? He let out a moan of pain, what happened?

 

\- Tony! – he heard the familiar voice before the face came into his field of vision, covering gloriously the light and relieving his migraine. - What did you think you were doing?

 

She had cried, of course he had. Pepper cared about him, she would always care. She was an angel whom he didn’t deserve in his life, he couldn’t understand how he could keep a friend like that. He wanted to answer something, anything. He needed to justify himself, needed to make her understand. He needed to understand himself. It was his second suicide attempt in a space of just a few months, but this time something was different. He couldn’t explain exactly where the difference was. Maybe it was because this time the first person he saw when waken up wanted him alive. Or maybe because the first time he woke disappointed to find himself alive, and this time... What did he felt this time? Pepper still expected a reaction, so he said the first thing that popped into his mind, without realizing how true it was until he heard his own words.

 

\- I don’t want to die. - he declared surprising Pepper and himself. - I don’t want to die. – he repeated standing up, and she tried to prevent the movement.

 

He saw a clock on the wall across from the bed. Little over ten hours had passed since Bruce left. Perhaps he still had time. But time to do what, if Bruce had already stated he would never forgive him? He didn’t know, but while he still wasn’t gone to some forgotten place on the planet, there seemed to be some hope. He had accepted the other’s decision when he thought he wouldn’t be able to keep himself under control, but now he thought otherwise. When talking to Pepper he had a revelation, an epiphany. He knew now what he did wrong and because he had failed his sobriety. He tried to stop drinking for Bruce and so he would never hurt another person, but that was his big mistake. It was something he needed to do for himself, or he would never succeed.

 

\- What are you doing? - Pepper asked when he began pulling the cables, tubes and sensors of his arms. - The bullet grazed through your head, you need to rest and stay under observation.

 

He frowned. He had failed to hit the shot. He should have pressed the gun against his temple, he was shaking too much. But it was better this way, now that he knew he didn’t really want to die. He wanted to live for himself, he wanted to be better. And he couldn’t do it alone. Pepper saved his life, but he needed support and love from Bruce. He needed someone to save him from his own darkness, instead of trying to save others from it. He wasn’t innocent, but perhaps he wasn’t beyond any salvation. Blinded by guilt, he had failed to see that maybe he wasn’t the monster he thought he was. His actions were deplorable, but they weren’t beyond redemption. He would never forgive himself for what he did, but he would have to be able to move on with his life. He couldn’t keep punishing himself indefinitely, because these aggressions against his physical integrity didn’t help anyone and only served to mitigate his own feelings. It wasn’t fair to act like that, not when there were other people who cared about him. It wasn’t fair to destroy the relationship that he and Bruce had because he felt the need to hurt himself. It wasn’t fair to sacrifice both of their happiness for errors that were his alone.

 

\- I need to find Bruce before it is too late. - he said while jumping from the bed, and grabbed her by the shoulders before continuing. - Pepper, you are always reasonable and I'm sure you could think of a better solution. But I'm fighting against all logic and the time for common sense time is over. I'll be fine, but this is something I need to do.

 

She let it be, not because she agreed with his reasoning, but because she had no other choice. He would leave with or without her blessing, but she wanted him to know that she would be there when it was over, regardless of the outcome. JARVIS told her everything that happened, but she wouldn’t admit what she knew to Tony. It seemed too intimate, her interference would be out of place.

 

\- Just promise me you won’t do something stupid. -she pleaded.

 

He nodded. The time of broken promises had passed. It was time to try to fix everything in his life he destroyed. He didn’t believe that his plan would succeed, but he needed to at least try. At the time, hope was the only thing he had left.


	16. Of sobriety and suport

Perhaps the best thing to do was to respect Bruce’s decision, but Tony didn’t want to give up, he couldn’t give up. The chance that has been given to him was more than he deserved, but he still wanted one more. Both of their futures depended on his ability to prove he could change.

 

Please don’t let this turn into something it's not  
I can only give you everything I've got  
I can’t be the sorry as you think I should  
But I still love you more than anyone else could

 

This needed not be the end. What they had didn’t need to end this way. He was an imperfect person, he had made many mistakes, and could only compensate for them at the extent of his own abilities, but he could give everything he got to change. Bruce thought that what he did was unforgivable, but he didn’t see things the same way. He loved him more than he thought possible, he didn’t want to miss it. How often he heard Bruce claim not to deserve what they had? How often he thought the same thing? They were made for each other, and they were damaged goods that could only belong by each other’s side.

 

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight  
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right  
The splintered mast I'm holding on won’t save me long  
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

 

He could only think of how it would be difficult to regain the lost confidence. He would have to fight against alcohol throughout his entire life, and maybe Bruce would suspect him for as long. But it was his only chance. He would ruin his life if he kept going like this, he needed something to fight for. He accepted the blame for everything he had done, he would never forget how easily he became a murderer, and because of that he needed them to be together. He had to fight for both their happiness to keep himself in control.

 

The last girl in the last reason  
To make this last for as long as I could  
The first kiss and the first time  
That I felt connected to anything

 

The connection he felt with Bruce was unlike anything else in his life. What was between them was special, able to make him feel that there was a reason to fight. It was with him that he first felt that all parts of his life where they should, only he could make him feel so. And having Bruce beside him was the best reason he had to keep fighting against this monster inside of him.

 

The weight of water, the way you taught me  
To look past everything I had ever learned  
The final word in the final sentence  
You ever uttered to me was love

 

Bruce taught him to look at the world differently, and changed his life more than he could possible imagine. And he was the only person he knew who could teach him how to overcome the monster within him. Of course, the situation was different for both, but he knew that Bruce was the Hulk in a way that perhaps he couldn’t admit to himself. Bruce made sure that the last thing he would declare would be "I love you", it just might be a sign that there was hope.

 

We have got through so much worse than this before  
What's so different this time that you can’t ignore  
You say it is much more than just my last mistake  
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

 

They survived worse before, what he had done this time wasn’t so serious. Sure, he had broken his promise, which would make things difficult, but no one had died. It was clear that the problem was much bigger than just this mistake, but that didn’t change the fact that the last straw was relatively innocuous. Perhaps it would be better for both to move away so that they couldn’t hurt each other, but he couldn’t accept it.

 

The last girl in the last reason  
To make this last for as long as I could  
The first kiss and the first time  
That I felt connected to anything

 

In the situation he was in, Bruce was the only thing that could keep him in place. He needed to improve itself, but he needed Bruce to feel that he belonged to this world. That he belonged to his side and nowhere else.

 

The weight of water, the way you taught me  
To look past everything I had ever learned  
The final word in the final sentence  
You ever uttered to me was love

 

Without Bruce, maybe his life would have been different. Maybe he wouldn’t have noticed so early that alcohol was a problem, that it was dangerous. It was so hard to believe what he was told! He knew for years that he was an alcoholic, but to keep it in mind at all times that he couldn’t drink was a phenomenal effort, especially when alcohol only affected him in that way when his life was falling apart. And if Bruce actually decided to leave, if he really decided that he didn’t deserve another chance, then at least he would have to ensure that he left knowing he was loved.

 

He arrived at the airport with the plane, remembering to distance himself a bit to allow a safe landing. It had barely touched the ground when, in his haste, he almost tore the door to enter. Would have to remember to send a check to the company to pay for the damage, but there would be time for that later. He lifted his visor to look for Bruce. He didn’t need JARVIS and its face identifier to find him, despite rationally knowing that using technology would have been faster.

 

And I don’t know where to look  
My words just break and melt  
Please just save me from this darkness

 

Bruce was so surprised to find him there that he didn’t even seem angry. Tony threw himself at his feet, uncertain now that he had got the opportunity to try to win him back. He couldn’t face him, not after everything he did. He began to cry against the knee of the other, not knowing what to say.

 

"Tony, what happened?" Bruce said trying to hide his concern. He hadn’t forgotten he didn’t intend to speak to him, but he had seen the little of the bloodied bandage that the helmet didn’t concealed.

 

"I need help. Please, I... I want to be better. Please, I... I need you to save me, I can’t stand it. I'll do anything to change, but I need help."

 

He didn’t even know what he was saying. He had lost control; he just knew that he couldn’t keep supporting what he was doing to himself and to others. He was trapped in the dark and needed to find a way to get rid of it.

 

Bruce hugged him. He was also crying. What should he do? All his instincts told him to leave, but his heart was begging to stay. "Everything will be fine, Tony. We'll get through this together." It wouldn’t be an easy task, but he had to try. They would have a long road ahead, but at least they would be together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally over! Sorry about all the delay, but well, here it is. I'm actually not happy at all with this ending, that's why it took me so long, I didn't know how to get what I wanted of this story. And obviously I still don't know. Well, I hope that a bad happy ending is better than no ending at all. If you read the story until here, congratulations on your patience and thank you for not abandoning me.


End file.
